truthfully... I haven't stuck to my four pillars. I could feel myself veering off track lately with what I set out to do in giving myself structure for this blog. 

but my issue lies in the fact that the four pillars I set for myself were not four pillars that suited me and who I am as a creative. I don't always have a writing update for every month. and honestly, my best advice for writing is to not follow advice to the letter, but to just... write. discover who you are in your writing by writing with emotions. 

the only posts that felt like suited me were the ones where I could write poetry or talk about music or give a little update on where I am in life. 

I gave myself pillars that would seem to fit what is expected of a writer and an author to talk about. but I don't have those qualities. 

I waste a lot of time trying to be an author. and what I mean by that isn't time spent writing or plotting or being on pinterest or spotify. I mean I waste time trying to be something I'm not. 

I'm a messy human being and I make so many posts about resetting this blog, getting my life on track, and the truth is this: my life is a mess.

my room surrounding me is a dumpster fire and it's probably contributing to the anxiety flooding my veins. 

I work a very early shift for my day job and honestly, my day job has been sucky lately. 

mental clarity? I don't know her. 

I'm trying to figure out my path in life and figure out what it is that I'm meant to do. I'm trying to make ends meet on sucky four hour shifts. I'm trying to save up for a small SUV so I can have my independence back. Even just to drive around my neighborhood for thirty minutes to get out of the house would be wonderful. 

(no offense to my family, I love them dearly.) 

emotionally I often feel unstable and unsure and unsteady and all the things no one wants to feel. 

I don't really write posts being this raw because I'm a private person. I don't like my personal life being out there. There's people who exist out there that I'd rather not have reading my life, but honestly... there isn't enough honesty in this world. 

in the world of filters and polished words and smiles and acting like everything is fine... 

don't get me wrong, I love filters on instagram. I love playing with them and having fun. 

But there comes a point where fake is fake and everyone thinks that these "influencers" have it perfect. I fall prey to thinking some of my favorite authors, Indie or Traditional, have it perfect. 

circling back to this blog, this corner of the internet that is mine... realistically I will post when I want. and there may be some structure to what I do. but winging it seems to be all I can do right now. I'm not going to act like everything is perfect in my life and have all these polished posts while I'm screaming on the inside. 

I'm not going to detail every bit of my person life either. 

I don't write this for pity or for people to try to cheer me up. I'm an INFP and if I'm going to be lost in emotions, only I can bring myself out of it again, haha. 

that aside, this isn't for attention, but I've felt the need to address this and honestly it felt embarrassing. so many times I've set out to reset this blog and make it something bigger than it was ever meant to be. this blog is going to be an online journal. you may get a writing update. you may get a life post. you may get a random music post. 

I'm not a perfect author. 

I am not good at faking perfection. 

I am a raw and real human. 

maybe that doesn't sell books but at this point I don't care. If I'm not genuine, I burn out so fast. and I'm tired of burning out of this blog. I want it to be a place I can come to for comfort. 

despite all the struggle, I've loved writing for you. You make me want to write. 

so this blog is going to be different from now on. 

this is going to be a letter, a journal, to you about everything I want to say. 

and if that's not your cup of tea, I don't judge. you don't have to come back. 

but I am going to be genuinely me from now on. 

and I am not perfect. I am a mess. 

so that's all I needed to say for today. I know I've flopped around so many times with this blog. and I'm annoying myself so much with it, while building up all this anxiety that my readers are judging me and most likely you don't even care what I do half the time. 

but yeah... so if you made it through that entire post good on you. proud of you for actually reading that whole thing. If you saw how this post kind of kept going on and and on so you scrolled to the bottom...

TL;DR: I am a human, I am a mess, I'm not perfect, and I'm done trying to pretend like I've got everything under control and start posting only when I feel like it and only what I what to post instead of following a system that I was trying to follow to be "cool" and "professional"

I'm just me. 

🖤