if all that I am

is yet another figure

another number

in this society

if all that I am

is another statistic

another study

another case to watch

if all that I am

is yet another person

burdened with the weight of that which is life

if all that I am

is a robot

a replaceable product

of society and its expectations

if that is all I am

I don't want it

Because what I am is human

I feel things deeper than I want

I touch things with the skin of my hand

I break apart and have to find all the pieces of myself
over and over again

losing some along the way

losing myself in this madness

if all that I am

is just another thread to society

don't sew me into the blanket

pull me out

let me be free

I miss the days when...

I miss the days when writing was easy

I miss the days when life wasn't crashing down around me

I miss the days when people had compassion

and weren't quick to jump on each other

I miss the days when a story flowed from my fingertips

as if it was always there beneath the surface of my skin

I miss the days when sad music didn't describe the way I was feeling

I miss the days when I could read for hours on end

I miss the days when adulthood didn't come crashing in

I miss the days when dreams were like stardust

a sight to behold 

the days when I could reach for the stars

and stroke the face of the moon

I miss the days when the words came easy

and the nights grew long

as I clicked away at the keyboard

typing the story as it held me in its grasp

I miss the days when the sun was brighter

the sky was bluer

the heart was stronger

I miss the days when...

you can fill in the blank

this one is yours to take

I miss the days of peace

I miss the days of trust

I miss the days of being a kid

with a dream in her heart

and eyes full of stars

I miss the childhood depression and anxiety ripped away

I miss the days when life wasn't about money

a job

responsibilities

when all I had to do was my school for the day

write the time away

have all the time for play

had my own deadlines

made my own rules

now we play by the rules society has set

go to college

get a job

start a family

repeat your job for thirty-something years

retire long enough to see your grandchildren from time to time

grow older

rise up into the clouds

and your children repeat the same

over and over

the standards have been set

but what if I'm not ready

what if I didn't ask for this

what if I want to go back to the days

to the days I miss

when writing was easy

and it filled me with joy

when the story came to life

from under my skin

and onto the page

when the words mattered more

when the emotion was there

when the times were easy

when I could spend my days just reading and writing

I miss the days when...

:: you broke me first :: tate mcrae

Now suddenly you're asking for it back
Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve?
Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had
But I don't really care how bad it hurts
When you broke me first

:: hang on :: needtobreathe

So hang on to the light in your eyes and the feeling
Hang on to your love drunk original reason
Hang on to the small town you love but you're leaving
Oh, you won't be a fool for so long
So hang on

life has it's own expectations of you

realistic or unrealistic

and it doesn't care if those are the things you desire

no, life will make sure you feel guilted into doing what it wants

but some are brave enough to break free

some are brave enough to see past the curtain of lies

some push past the curtain

to find a small, dirt path, hardly worn down

as no one takes that path

yet that path

is what brings excitement

to the one who wants to do what they want

and live the life they want

instead of living the life society has planned out for you

                                     

sometimes it would be nice to be brave enough to

chase the things that I think are worth chasing

but it also comes down to my fear being stronger

and making me think if I do what I want, I will

only disappoint the people who matter most to me       

and obviously being who I am, I don't want to 

upset or disappoint anyone

but I can't keep doing things the way others say I 

should. I know I've barely had a taste of all that is lifeand the "real world," though we all hate that

term.

I know I have a lot to learn. I know I have mistakes

you want to prevent me from making. But I can't keep

following the direction others are making for me

I have to make my own mistakes

my own decisions

I have to fail to learn anything

and there may be days where I sit here and say, "I wish

I would have listened to you," and you can say, "I told you 

so," but I'd rather fail than never do what I know in my 

heart to be right for this moment.

                                           

life doesn't ask you if you want to grow up

and when you are a child you think

that is all you want from life is to be an adult

but darling, no

that is not what you want

live out that youth

because as a child you are braver

then someone who has been chewed up 

and spit out

by adulthood

trust me

it's not like I want to live my life

hiding away in my room

but sometimes my room feels safer

then it feels out there where 

everyone is 

because I feel emotions so deeply

and I'm scared of being hurt.

                                            

that maybe one of my biggest flaws

that maybe one of my biggest "lies I believe"

that the world is scary and dark
and yes it can be

and not just right now

but in any normal circumstance

expectations are high

and I

just

want 

to

b r e a t h e

but...
there is sunrises
sunsets
daydreams
nights of staring at the ceiling
moments of pain
moments of pure joy
moments of love
moments of loss
and even in the pain
there is beauty too

I dream of a home to call my own sometimes

not that my house is a bad place to be

truly it isn't

actually, I love my childhood home with all my heart

and the idea of leaving is growing more tempting

but I know it would still hurt to go because this is what I've known

for twenty of my twenty-one years

but... i do dream of my own space

my own place

with my own rules that would probably not be

that different from the rules I already abide by, but hey, they would be mine

           

             

I'd make a little cave

a place to hide out

where I can just breathe when life gets the best of me

                    

and my room would be different from any room design I've done before. I'd probably pain a galaxy on the wall or something weird like that. Something that is mine because galaxies are the only thing I can actually paint well to where they look like they're real. But just something darker than I usually have because it's comforting in some weird way for dark colors and light bed sheets? No it doesn't make sense but it's my aesthetic. nothing too dark but blue and feathers and plants and pictures. In fact it would be so full of life but so cozy.

just a place

to dream the dreams

I've lost to the void

the abyss

that no... if you stare into it

it doesn't stare into you

it captures you

and takes you over

and leaves you dreamless

don't fall into the abyss

and if you do

there is a way out

always

and remember

it taught you something

So, this post is a bit all over the place. But I've been having a hard time getting my thoughts to be put in a coherent post. I just... I don't know. My mind has been kind of all over the place. There has been so much going on in my life. And in such a short span of time. And I've been scared to post my emotions and feelings because emotions can be seen as a weakness. They can be used against me. But then I realized that I can't hide what I feel. This blog is my home.

And I'm not going to continue giving power to situations that don't matter anymore. I worried because what I see could be read as a weakness for what happened when really I don't even think about what happened anymore. Not really. But what if the emotions I express are read that way?

WHO CARES? I know what my posts mean. My friends know what they mean. This is my home. This is my place. I am kicking the demons out of my home. It's time to be honest.

Starting with this... sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I fall apart. Sometimes life overwhelms me. Sometimes I don't think things through. But... there are sunsets. There are futures. There are dreams worth chasing. All of this mess is beautiful because it teaches me to feel something. In the chaos, there is so much more.