::lyrics that speak to me::

~diving bell, starset~
In my mind
endless sea
calling from the bottom
but you don't hear me
send your line
down to me
meet me on the surface 
I will never leave

Hello.

It's been a hot minute. (or fat minute as the kids say nowadays.)

I feel like I have some explaining to do about my absence.

But this might be a crazy, messy post so bear with me here.

Some of you may know that I do, indeed suffer from depression and anxiety. In my teen years, it used to be a lot worse.

But my best friend says since about Halloween of last year my mental health has been declining. And I agree.

Last week consisted of countless mental breakdowns, a panic attack at work, a fight with people I really, really care about, making up with those people, finding we are stronger now, and me feeling like I was going to suffocate in depression and anxiety. Honestly... I began to suffocate under the weight of it all and was on the point of giving up.

Giving up hope.

Giving up on myself.

Giving up on happiness.

Giving up on ever trusting God.

Just

falling

falling

falling

deeper into the abyss of darkness, the point of no return.

I had reached a point of wanting to stay in bed. I hated writing. I hated myself. I hated everything I use to love doing.

All of it

pointless

I was worthless

I was unlovable

I was too far gone

or so the enemy said.

And if people say that's not depression or anxiety because a doctor hasn't told me that... I'm sorry but I don't know what you would call that.

I didn't want to write.

I didn't want to blog.

I didn't want to work.

And it doesn't help that my work environment is so toxic, full of toxic people, toxic situations, toxic everything.

I was lost among the darkness in the abyss, no light to be found.

And then...

My best friends. My tribe.

They helped me.

My mom and dad, of course, they were there for me, too. But I was in deep. And I put them through a lot with my emotions that I was beginning to withdraw into myself.

My friends and I... we had planned a video call to see each other since we all live far from each other. And I almost didn't do it. After a week of planning and arranging schedules... I almost said forget it.

Because I was breaking.

I was lost.

I was hopeless.

I was too much for them.

All lies.

They wanted me and one reached out saying she understood, but she had wanted to see me since it would probably be a while before we could do this again.

So I decided thirty minutes wouldn't kill me.

I'd show up.

I'd make my appearances.

I'd leave.

I'd return to my dark abyss.

But...

they pulled me out of the dark abyss. They have me a light to see the rest of the way.

They helped me to see that this moment, this dark and painful moment... it's just that. A moment.

then it's gone

soaring

far, far away

and then

I emerged into the light.

I talked more than I usually talk during video calls with my friends because I'm an INFP I don't start a conversation.

It was therapeutic to do this. I needed it.

And I can stand saying I'm better.

I'm worth more than I know.

I'm lovable.

I'm never too far gone.

No, I won't always be positive.

No, life isn't fair.

Yes, I'm stuck at a toxic job with toxic people for a while longer.

But I'm going to be okay.

And I know you will, too.

You have worth.

You are loved.

You have purpose.

You are strong.

Don't

ever

give

up.