sometimes it's just the rain that calms my mind and eases me into peace. the sound of it hitting the pavement, the sight of it as it rolls down the windshield. the dim glow from the street light. 

it's the 4am mornings where I drag myself out of bed for another day at work, washing my face in an effort to wake up. 

it's feeling like breaking apart because there's too much to do and no energy to do it. sadness filling my veins. 

adulting is expensive and hard and no one ever really prepares you for it. you're thrown in before you're ready and told to make your way in this world, to get a job, to go to college, to have your life figured out by the time you're eighteen.

my brain doesn't work that way. I'm quite happy I chose the no school route and went straight to work, but even then I sometimes feel like I'm not ready to be this adult that I'm supposed to be. and I turn 22 this year, so I've been an adult for a while. 

nothing prepares you for getting into two car accidents so close together that you lose your ability to drive or even ride along without panicking. or trying to find a used car and the expense of insurance, gas, car payments, on a paycheck that barely is anything. 

life really has no preparation, it's like suddenly you're this adult who has to function and it's sink or swim and all I feel is drowning deeper and deeper. 

but I know things will get better eventually. I have to remind myself of that, and often times I don't remind myself and thus further in the spiral I go. 

you lose people along the way.

you lose faith along the way.

you lose strength along the way.

but then...

you find people who will stick around.

you find your faith again.

you find strength again in the deepest parts of yourself you didn't know existed.

and then you grow.

and you keep going. 

🖤