:: the truth about being an author ::

by Brooke Riley - 6:00 AM

the truth is it's not a life full of glamor.

maybe the trad authors feel more glamorous. maybe this is an indie thing.

but sometimes I feel like a fraud. sometimes I feel like I'm spinning out of control. like I didn't actually publish a book. It doesn't feel like I could have published a book.

I wrote the book.

I got the book edited.

I rewrote the book.

I got the book properly edited.

I cried over this book.

I laughed over this book.

I formatted this book.

I did a lot for this book.

I still don't feel like I am an author.

I have six copies of my book sitting right in front of me on the shelf above my desk. They don't LOOK like they are mine. They don't feel like they are mine.

But they are somehow mine.

I somehow did that.

And the truth is, partly, becoming a published author made me feel like I had to change how I am on social media. It all has to be promote the book, talk about the book, be a professional author. No fangirling, no raw authenticity, just pure author class like the greats.

And for a while I did that. For a while, it didn't feel wrong.

I posted for bookstagram. I enjoyed posting for bookstagram, doing different props and things like that. I did truly love that and I can't say I won't ever do posts like that again on my instagram.

But over the course of time... it didn't feel like me.

And yes, some people on bookstagram had waaay more talent than I did regarding that. But... it wasn't that I felt like my pictures weren't good. I actually loved the pictures I took. It was that they soon felt like they weren't me.

My personality is not an open book for just anyone. You may see me as a raw, open person. But I am mostly closed off. What I share is careful and bare minimum to the real raw me. But I wanted my posts to at least feel genuine.

I wanted to feel genuine.

(have you figured out my MBTI and Enneagram type yet, haha?)

I want authenticity. I crave it.

I want to be real. I'm not going to keep acting like I have it all figured out.

I am an author. These books by me are my books. I am also...

- A daughter

- A friend

- A best friend

- A retail worker

- someone trying to figure out what she really wants in life

My best friend sent me a pin on pinterest once that said something like: when you were a kid/teenager dealing with mental illness, you didn't have the time to have dreams and goals and ideas and you're just now trying to figure those things out as an adult and it's not easy. but you are strong.

I was a teen with depression and anxiety.

I was undiagnosed, yes. But that doesn't mean I didn't struggle at all just because a doctor didn't tell me what was wrong with me. I knew what was wrong with me.

And the truth is, while I worked for this goal of being an author, once I reached that point... what was left? I didn't make that plan. I didn't have a new dream.

And I'm trying to find it.

And I think more authors probably struggle with this than they admit. Maybe that's why a lot of authors don't post much, unless its about their book. Maybe they need to convince themselves sometimes, too.

and maybe it's okay to not have it all together yet.

I'm young. I have a lot to figure out about life still. And I forget because my soul is older and I don't always remember my age.

So there it is. That is the truth, or at least my truth, about being an author.

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12 comments

Helena GeorgeDecember 16, 2020 at 7:11 AM
As someone who has has copies of my own book on my shelf....yah, it really is hard to look at those copies and be like "this is really it, I've done it, I'm an author." Like, you expect to feel different...but you kinda don't. And that's okay. We are always learning, always changing, but it's often done so minutely, that we never notice it until we compare the /now/ to the /long time ago/.
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LiaDecember 16, 2020 at 3:50 PM
YES 100% agree. i literally still can't believe it. It just doesn't feel real. but compared to last year, when this book was far far away from me even thinking about publishing, this year is definitely different.

i'm glad we both published in the same year!!!! <3<3<3
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R.F. GammonDecember 16, 2020 at 7:39 PM
Booooo my boo <3 <3 <3 This post...it's so raw and so you and I just...thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for being bold. I love you SO much. You are real. You are valid. You are beautiful. Keep writing. <3 <3 <3

And keep chasing the dreams I know you have. You can do this. <3
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Skye HoffertDecember 16, 2020 at 9:43 PM
I know this feeling really well. I haven't written in a while and that always makes me feel like I'm not dedicated enough, and since I got published in an anthology. I always feel like I might not be able to stand on my own in the publishing world.
It's a lot harder then people think.
<3
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Miranda SylvesterDecember 17, 2020 at 3:10 AM
This is so raw, and I love it, cause as someone who is aspiring to be an author, I know I need to know that being "this isn't real" or struggling after publishing is okay thing to experience. I don't need to be, or even better, I can't be, all put together. Being clueless of what's next, having doubts or being so discouraged is something that we will all face and will continue to face until our end. But what's most amazing in realising this, is that it can be and will be overcome. Cause, yes, we are still learning and we grow strength a little every day in this crazy writing journey.
I've learnt so much in this post and thank you for sharing this! <3
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Bree DawnDecember 17, 2020 at 4:29 PM
I love how honest you are about the hard and darker parts of your journey. <333 you're a very brave and inspirational young woman. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to be confused and lost and wandering sometimes. <3
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