Why I've Been Gone...
Hello.
It's been a hot minute. (or fat minute as the kids say nowadays.)
I feel like I have some explaining to do about my absence.
But this might be a crazy, messy post so bear with me here.
Some of you may know that I do, indeed suffer from depression and anxiety. In my teen years, it used to be a lot worse.
But my best friend says since about Halloween of last year my mental health has been declining. And I agree.
Last week consisted of countless mental breakdowns, a panic attack at work, a fight with people I really, really care about, making up with those people, finding we are stronger now, and me feeling like I was going to suffocate in depression and anxiety. Honestly... I began to suffocate under the weight of it all and was on the point of giving up.
Giving up hope.
Giving up on myself.
Giving up on happiness.
Giving up on ever trusting God.
Just
falling
falling
falling
deeper into the abyss of darkness, the point of no return.
I had reached a point of wanting to stay in bed. I hated writing. I hated myself. I hated everything I use to love doing.
All of it
pointless
I was worthless
I was unlovable
I was too far gone
or so the enemy said.
And if people say that's not depression or anxiety because a doctor hasn't told me that... I'm sorry but I don't know what you would call that.
I didn't want to write.
I didn't want to blog.
I didn't want to work.
And it doesn't help that my work environment is so toxic, full of toxic people, toxic situations, toxic everything.
I was lost among the darkness in the abyss, no light to be found.
And then...
My best friends. My tribe.
They helped me.
My mom and dad, of course, they were there for me, too. But I was in deep. And I put them through a lot with my emotions that I was beginning to withdraw into myself.
My friends and I... we had planned a video call to see each other since we all live far from each other. And I almost didn't do it. After a week of planning and arranging schedules... I almost said forget it.
Because I was breaking.
I was lost.
I was hopeless.
I was too much for them.
All lies.
They wanted me and one reached out saying she understood, but she had wanted to see me since it would probably be a while before we could do this again.
So I decided thirty minutes wouldn't kill me.
I'd show up.
I'd make my appearances.
I'd leave.
I'd return to my dark abyss.
But...
they pulled me out of the dark abyss. They have me a light to see the rest of the way.
They helped me to see that this moment, this dark and painful moment... it's just that. A moment.
then it's gone
soaring
far, far away
and then
I emerged into the light.
I talked more than I usually talk during video calls with my friends because I'm an INFP I don't start a conversation.
It was therapeutic to do this. I needed it.
And I can stand saying I'm better.
I'm worth more than I know.
I'm lovable.
I'm never too far gone.
No, I won't always be positive.
No, life isn't fair.
Yes, I'm stuck at a toxic job with toxic people for a while longer.
But I'm going to be okay.
And I know you will, too.
You have worth.
You are loved.
You have purpose.
You are strong.
Don't
ever
give
up.
26 comments
*hugs* beautiful post, Brooke. I’ll be praying for you. <3 (and if you ever need to talk or something, I’m here.)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! <3 <3
Delete(I'm doing much better now, but I also wanted to bring awareness to the dark that life can bring, so others know that we aren't alone.)
*sends you lots of hugs*
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend, I've been in your shoes many times - curse of a melancholy, LOL.
I know that it's probably the last thing that a depressed soul wants to do, but cling to Jesus. Even if you just say His Name devoutly, it will help break some of it (I speak from experience).
Can I suggest something? I'm not sure if you're a coloring person, but if you are, I recommend a Bible Coloring App by iDailybread.org. My mom got me on it to help me with some of my anxiety issues and it's helped.
<3 <3
DeleteMy first round of depression was broken because of Jesus. He healed me plenty of times. This time around has been hard to cling to Him. I still struggle at this point, but I know He's there for me and He's guiding me through this, one little step at a time. Thank you dear, for the encouragement. <3 <3
I will look into that. I LOVE coloring. It's so underrated.
<3 I adore you so much, darling. And this darkness will end. It will try and try and try to seize you, but you are stronger than it, and you WILL overcome. I love you so much. I'll always be here for you. <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteNot as much as I adore you. My dear, thank you so much. For all you've done. For helping me with so much. I love you, and sometimes wonder how I was blessed to get you as a best friend. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I hope you know I'm here for you, too!
Delete*hugs* you are precious and you will be ok. a friend once told me, there are seasons when we feel God with us, but the absence of emotion does not mean he is not there. He allows that absence of feeling to teach us new things. so... God's got you, even when you can't feel it. And
ReplyDeleteI
Love
You
And
Will
Forever
Be
Here
For
You
I
Promise.
xx lis
Oh my darling, thank you!!! I love you, girl. And I hope you know I'm here for you too if you ever need me. <3 <3 <3 You've been a wonderful friend and a huge encouragement. Love you!
Delete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteOr better yet, *locks shield with you*
Whatever you need, I'm here for you. We got your back girl.
Also, this is the first time I've seen that header and it is so cute???
Thank you so much, girl! Love you!
DeleteHaha, yes it's new. I just fixed up my blog this past weekend. I needed it to fit me a bit better. (it's also my computer screensaver because I lowkey love it that much, haha.)
You are a beautiful soul and you can fight.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong.
You are loved.
Never give up. <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 Thank you, Kara. This means so much. you are amazing, dear friend.
DeleteLearning that I was an INFP, too, helped me so much because I knew that I wasn't alone in what I was going through. You are amazing and beloved and brilliant! Don't ever forget it! <3
ReplyDeleteYay, another INFP!!! <3 <3 <3 You are not alone. <3
DeleteThank you so much!! <3
You are SUCH an inspiration to me and countless others in this community <3 You're also one of the toughest young people I've ever had the honor of getting to know. I haven't been through what you have and I admire how you are always, always getting up again. You're in my prayers often <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, this new blog design is *heart eyes*
Oh my goodness, I'm going to cry. Thank you!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 That means so much to me.
Delete(Thank you!! I'm kinda in love with it, haha)
<333 We're always here for you, Brooke!
ReplyDeleteLove you!! xx
Thank you so much!! <3 <3 <3
DeleteBrooke, we'll always be there to support and love you. Sending warm wishes your way... you're so strong and I am so, so, so glad that you were able to get through that. You're never alone. <333 *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear. I appreciate it so much. thanks for reading! <3
Delete<33 I love you, dear friend! The darkness is strong, but you are so much stronger. Keep fighting, you will win the war. I'm always here if you need me. <3
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 dear friend this means so much. Thank you!!! <3 <3 <3
Deletei just want you to know that if you ever need someone, a shoulder to cry on or simply a listening ear, that i here for you. Goodness knows i've gone through and am still going through what you are and i understand. Don't hesitate to contact me, i'll always answer.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you think and i know you will get through this. <3 <3 <3
Friends are amazing! I always find myself isolating myself during times like that, but it's always better to confide and talk to someone.
ReplyDeleteGlad they helped you through.
Dear, dear heart! You are so beloved! It breaks my heart to hear you have struggled so. But our King never gave up on you & he sent your friends---your tribe---to give just the right amount of pressure to return the light to your world. I know it's beyond difficult to keep on living in a toxic world, but stand strong & have courage. Much love & prayers, sweet Brooke! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to echo others comments and repeat that how you continue to get up and return to the fight shows astounding strength.
ReplyDeleteBut I also remember when I was in a dark place that I hated when people told me I was strong. I didn't want to be strong. I wanted someone to hold me, I wanted the freedom to just scream and cry and be weak but safe in another's love.
Always praying for uou, for whatever you need. 💚
MB> keturahskorner.blogspot.com
PB> thegirlwhodoesntexist.com